I’ve noticed something. Among every woman I’ve ever discussed jeans with, some can wear Gap jeans and others can wear Old Navy jeans, but no one can wear both. Each is geared toward a specific shape of hips and legs, and ne’er the twain shall fit the same person. (Yes, I know that Gap and Old Navy are owned by the same company. But I swear by my theory.)

My summary: women with well-defined waists and shapely hips do well in Gap jeans; women with straighter waists and smaller hips fit better in Old Navy jeans. Please comment on this post to tell me if I’m right or wrong.

So the missus and I went jeans shopping tonight. We both fit into Gap-shaped jeans, at least some of them. The trendier cuts are beyond unflattering. The more classic ones (they’re not Mom jeans!) are great, if a little more scarce. But we each found a comfy and nice-looking pair (and had a 20% off coupon, too).

When we got home, we went through our dressers to cull any old pairs that no longer fit. I actually found that a few pairs of her old ones fit me fine, oddly enough. We soon realized that we had a stockyard of Gap jeans in three different sizes, three different lengths, several different shades of denim blue, and a ridiculous quantity of styles.

So I decided to catalog my jeans. Ready?

Low rise flare, regular, just darker than medium
Low rise boot cut, regular, dark-ish
Classic stretch, long, dark blue
Flare stretch, long, dark blue
Curvy flare stretch, regular length, medium blue
Boot cut stretch, ankle length (I rolled these way up, since they were absurdly short on their own, so now they’re sort of capris)

This denim collection is a testament to… well, something. I’ve read that the average American owns seven pairs of jeans. This list is seven, exactly, and I’m kind of ashamed that I own that many. But there are so many kinds: the pair I wear for painting, the pair I can wear to work on casual days, the dressier pairs, skinny ones and baggy ones. I admit the absurdity of it all, even though I also see the tiny differences that make me want each and every pair. There’s something so arbitrary about, for example, how dark jeans are now in, even though back in the 80s we all lived for acid washes. It’s superficial, and yet it really kinda matters.

*I would like to note that I am not affiliated with Gap in any way, other than owning many pairs of their jeans and trousers. I have few pairs of pants from other manufacturers, and frankly, half of them don’t fit me very well.

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